


Awake

by lenija



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: I wrote this to survive the game ok, M/M, in love with a terrorist, personal game experience thingie, read this if you want to know everything about esteban hawke, ton steine scherben
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-27
Updated: 2013-08-27
Packaged: 2017-12-24 20:13:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/944162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lenija/pseuds/lenija
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is not really a story. It's a collection in chronological order of all the little scenes I wrote while playing Dragon Age II, trying to cope with my Hawke's lovestory with Anders. Later I discovered they kind of fit together, and I gave them a theme.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Awake

**Author's Note:**

> Theme song: Der Traum ist aus, by Ton Steine Scherben  
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1vgwHZj0xQ
> 
> I tried to find people who would beta read this, but the two who tried never managed to finish. (???) So there's still a messy mixup of BE and AE, and probably quite a few mistakes I didn't see, sorry. It's been about one and a half year, and I wanted to post it (anyway). Because I do kind of like it.

„Ich hab geträumt, der Krieg wär vorbei

du warst hier, und wir war'n frei

und die Morgensonne schien.“

 

– Ton Steine Scherben, Der Traum ist aus

 

(I dreamt the war was over/ you were here and we were free/ and the morning sun was shining – Ton Steine Scherben, The dream is over)

 

 

I.

Hawke doesn't believe in love at first sight, but he certainly believes in instant attraction, and that's what strikes him when he meets the Grey Warden. Granted, it does strike him rather often; there are many attractive people in the world, and he wouldn't mind taking all of them to his small Lowtown bed – or pretty much anywhere else, for that matter – but even he recognizes there are graduations of want, discernable for example by to what degree it clouds your good judgment, and the Warden with his amber eyes needs barely a word and a glance to make Hawke want to do everything he could ever desire for and to him.

 

Although Anders does believe in love at first sight, that's not what happens when he first meets Hawke. He's intrigued, then grateful, then confused; that's to be expected when you've just been forced to mercy kill your ex-lover, only to find the person who helped you with that has the impertinence to flirt with you in a situation like that – and, by Andraste's sweet bosom, you actually like it.

Hawke is a silly adventurer who wouldn't know what 'appropriate' means if you tattooed it on his butt. He's impudent and takes nothing seriously, Justice thinks he's bad news, and to make matters worse, his nose is much too big.

But he carries himself with easy confidence despite being an apostate; he says that mages should be free, and when Anders tells him about Justice he doesn't shy away; he just looks at him with warm understanding, and in hindsight Anders can see clearly that from that moment on he was lost.

 

 

II.

When Anders kisses Hawke for the first time, it's like finally, finally pushing open the locked door into the most desirable of adventures, the one Hawke has wanted for a very long time. It's one of those moments when all the scenes and images you've made up in your mind about what something _could_ be like collide with reality, and you can't say for certain which is which anymore. Clinging to each other, they trade promises and oaths like gambling depts – because after all, they've said most of them many times before in their dreams.

 

 

 

III.

„I'm surprised you're still with me,“ Anders says out of the blue, when they're strolling around Hightown Market and Hawke has just turned around to again admire the sheer handsomeness he's allowed to touch now, and begun to make up scenes in his mind what he would do to those pouty lips and lean body if they were alone.

Hawke doesn't have any shame and would do all of it right here, but he has lots of friends and family members who wouldn't approve of that kind of conduct, not to mention an arrest for public exposure would be rather unpleasant and maybe even risky.

Anders' comment throws him completely out of his reverie. Not. This. Again.

He's done being subtle about personal issues. „Merrill, Isabela, if you'll excuse us,“ he says cheerily, „Anders and I have something to talk about. Anders, let's drop by my nice mansion, it's just around the corner.“

It's not very mature to treat your friend and lover like a child, but in moments like this Hawke is so surprised by the sudden flash of anger that washes over him that he takes the next best chance of an outlet, however small and petty.

„Hawke, if we're changing plans anyway, I have some things at the Clinic I need to take care of,“ Anders says, oblivious to Hawke's mood change.

Hawke clenches his teeth.

„The man wants to have a private chat with you, Sweetie,“ Isabela butts in. „I'd jump at the chance if I were you.“

„Oh, right,“ Anders says when he gets it, and he looks at Hawke out of the corner of his eye, suddenly wary, searching for hidden clues in his face.

 

The walk to Hawke's estate, only ten minutes away, is an awkward one, which enfuriates Hawke even more, because he doesn't like being awkward and unable to joke about it. He's been thinking about ignoring these incidents or dealing with them humorously, as he deals with most other problems, but it just doesn't feel appropriate nor effective. There's something about Anders that forces Hawke to let go of all his cherished tactics and become a lot more serious than he is comfortable with. It's not just the angry reactions; when he looks at Anders walking beside him in brooding silence, he still wants to yell at him, but even more than that he wants to take his hand and tell him that everything is all right, that he can never do anything wrong in Hawke's eyes.

Things were easier a few years ago. It makes him sigh. How did everything get so unnecessarily dramatic?

 

Hawke sits on the bed in his room, while Anders takes the chair, intent on keeping the necessary distance. „What did you want to talk about?“ he asks quietly.

As usual, Hawke doesn't have a clue how to do this properly, but that's something that doesn't normally bother him, so why should it now? „Look“, he says, „you keep bringing up these idiotic things, like how you're not worthy of my friendship, or how you're surprised I'm still with you, and I've had it with that nonsense. Are you even aware you're insulting me?“

Not that Hawke reads faces all that well, but then Anders is easy, every emotional nuance shows plainly on his features. Now, he looks surprised. Hawke supresses another sigh.

„How about a little trust in plain old me?“ he suggests.

Anders sighs. Hawke is well aware that he doesn't try to supress it and finds that a bit unfair, really.

„It's got nothing to do with trust,“ Anders says. „You know that I trust you more than anyone else. It's got nothing to do with you at all; it's just that I don't expect you to put up with me, with all my faults and the danger being with me puts you in.“

„Anders,“ Hawke says, and it's hard to just raise his voice and refrain from yelling, „how come you think you're so very very special, huh? You don't get to win all the badness contests! You think you have more character flaws than everyone else, seriously? So why do you keep criticising everyone else, if you think you're the worst of us all? And as I'm the only one you don't criticise, I'm getting the impression that you want to shape me into that image of goodness you can compare yourself to and lose, and you know what, I refuse to be made into a sodding idol.“

„I only criticise those who deserve it! Would you have me accept every folly your friends commit, like you do, even if it's carelessly playing around with blood magic, or stabbing you in the back? How can you just let everything stand? You never take a position, you're not by any means the radical you should be. Sometimes I think all you care about is pleasing your friends.“

„It's great that you finally found something amiss with me, Anders, but that wasn't really the point of my argument.“

„So? It's you who decides where all the arguments are going, then? I see what's going wrong in this city, I'm not closing my eyes before all the atrocities taking place here every day, and you chastise me for pointing them out? Try questioning your judgment, will you?“

He tries to hold back, but there's no denying it: Hawke is starting to enjoy this. The angrier Anders gets, the more he relaxes. He doesn't mind being insulted; actually he can listen to people badmouthing him all day and keep grinning at them. This is the Anders he wants to see, the one who knows where he stands, who radiates power with every breath, who will not let anyone stop him in his cause. It's the opposite of the subdued, quiet Anders who thinks he's not worthy of anyone's loyalty. This Anders is dangerous and beautiful despite his righteousness - although there is still something holding him back like a leash he put on his own might: resentment? Distrust, maybe. Certainly some kind of disappointment.

„Hawke! Are you even listening to me?“

„Of course I am“, Hawke says.

„I've lost the thread“, Anders says, the fury trickling out of him, leaving only mild confusion.

Hawke gets up from the bed and takes the two steps towards Anders, pulling him up into his arms and, when he meets no resistance, shoving his nose into the soft hair behind Anders' ear, smelling soap, herbs and the distinct flavor of Anders' skin, like coming home.

„You're making no sense,“ Anders mumbles against Hawke's cheek. „I thought you wanted to argue. Why are you hugging me?“

Hawke has a cheeky answer ready at once, but he senses this is not the time for it. There's something here, something important. He has to seize it.

Drawing back a little he lets his hands frame Anders' face and looks him in the eye. „See, that's the exact thing you don't get, love.“

Anders rolls his eyes, making Hawke grin despite his efforts to stay serious. „What don't I get?“

„What I wanted to tell you earlier, before you interrupted me. I knew what I was getting into with you - although it's not in the least as scary and difficult as you make it sound. You can try and annoy me as long as you want, even if you succed in ruffling my feathers, I'm not going away. I'm right here now, and that's where I bloody want to be, so you can stop trying to prove you can scare me away any time now, because it's not working.“

„Why isn't it?“ Anders asks, his gaze intent upon Hawke's features, like he's solving a riddle only he can see. Does he notice he's just confessed Hawke's appraisal is correct?

„Do you want another declaration of love? The old one's still valid, you know.“

„But is that enough?“

„I don't know where you got the idea that you're so difficult to live with, but whoever told you that was greatly exaggerating. As for the danger part, you do remember that I'm a mage, too, right? I could just as easily be the one endangering you. So it's all not such a big deal, no sacrifices, no martyrs. Can you live with that, or do you prefer to keep playing the lonesome tragic hero for Varric's next novel?“ You take everything so seriously, Hawke wants to add, but no, let's not take everything out at once. There'll be time for that later, during the next fight they're undoubtedly going to have.

„You said you like the dark brooding types, don't you remember?“

„Bah, I'd never say something like that.“

Anders smiles at that, actually smiles, causing Hawke's innards to metaphorically explode into rainbow colored glitter.

 

 

 

IV.

„Why are you still here?“, Hawke says, and he shivers when he hears his own voice, bleak, desperate. Like he has finally given up hope.

„I can leave if you want.“

„You never trusted me. You used me, because you knew I can't turn against you, no matter what you do. Did it ever occur to you to just ask me for help with you whole plan, I -“ His voice breaks.

„I am responsible for this. I will not drag you into it.“

„But you did, don't you see! I'm not going to turn my back on you, but I'm also not going to turn my back on Kirkwall. I love this stupid rotten city, and I love you. How could you force me to take sides, my lover or my home? You or sanity? There's no way out of this mess now. I've been such an idiot to trust you, all of you, to base my decisions on your counsel. I should have decided for a side of my own and I should have stood by it. All those people who call me the Champion, if they knew I just follow my friends' whims like a child -“

„But you are on our side, aren't you? You've always wanted the mages to be free!“

„I want everyone to be free! But you don't get that, do you? That's the one thing I've always truly and deeply believed in, freedom, but not just for this group or that one. We are so powerful, you and I. I know that's not how you perceive it, but I see what I can do with a blink of my eye, a wave of my hand. Normal people fear and revere me, and they shouldn't! I should be a normal person, despite being a mage, I should not be a... a demon.“

Anders just stands there, listening, and contrary to what Hawke is used to, he can't read in his features at all. He huffs. Does that really surprise him? So many years devoted to wishful thinking, to loving a potential Anders, a possibility, a faint trace – the real one is right here, and he carries the face of Vengeance, not his own.

Hawke feels like he's got no air left to breathe, and the ground under him is shaking.

„I don't know what to say to you anymore,“ he says. „You knew I'm a hopeless romantic; I actually believe that the people you love are the most important thing in the world, that there is nothing, _nothing_ more important than that. Tell me, did you see that in me and planned to manipulate me into helping you and your cause? Did you ever really love me, or was I just a tool for you?“

He can't believe he's saying all that, soppy words oozing with self pity, stupid stupid stupid, this is not like him. Except it is, where Anders is concerned. He's always turned a blind eye to Anders' peculiarities, and especially to Justice. Could he have stopped this?

„Of course I really loved you, I still love you. I told you -“

„That there are more important things, yes. That's where we disagree. I'm going out.“ He gets up. „Sorry, but I need to be alone for some time. Let's talk later.“

He all but storms out of his own house, that doesn't feel like his own house anymore.

When mother died, Anders was there for him, reminded him that there was still a cause left, something worthwhile. Now he feels empty, all his energy and humour drawn out of him and replaced by something vile and sticky that makes him choke.

 

\---------

 

„Don't say 'I told you so'“, he addresses his friends when he comes to the Hanged Man. „The first one to say 'I told you so' can eat a firestorm. I'm not in the mood for jokes.“

„How are you going to get through this, then?“ Varric asks rather earnestly. „Humour is your tactic for dire situations. Do you have a plan B?“

I don't have anything, Hawke thinks, but he looks around then, and he corrects himself. He still has friends, crazy, irritating friends, but most of them are probably not even going to stab him in the back (again). „Plan B is 'Have a drink, think of something else later'“, he says. He has to get through this. He will.

 

 

 

 

V.

Now this is an interesting decision, Hawke thinks as he's walking through Lowtown at night, Anders at his side as well as his brother, every step careful to avoid falling over abominations and panicked Templars. I would have thought I was done with him, at the very least when he said that Justice is unseparable from him now. And yet here I am, risking a war for him, trusting him with the life of every mage and innocent in Kirkwall.

He remembers Keeper Marethari's words: The only cure for an abomination is death. Even if the demon is separated from its host, the person is damaged beyond repair. He remembers the bleak truth tearing at his heart, the dizzying feeling of hope sliding away. Anders can never be separated from Justice. That was a child's dream, the idea to take the person you love and disassemble them, take out their flaws, then put them back together as a perfect, more simple version of themselves.

But Justice has always been there, since he's first met Anders, so how can he say he fell in love only with one of them? That's like saying he's fallen for the kind healer while rejecting the fierce partisan, which isn't true at all.

The more important question is, if Anders is responsible for all his decisions, even the worst ones, can Hawke forgive him? For lies, murder and the complete lack of sensible judgment?

Anders has explained himself; he wanted to trust Hawke but couldn't, for fear of being stopped, but as well for fear of dragging Hawke into all this – because he was arrogant and wanted to be the only one responsible, the martyr. Only Anders doesn't see it as arrogance; he sees it as necessary sacrifice.

Hawke thinks, if we survive this, can I live with a person whose priorities are so different from mine? Will I rely on hope again, this time the hope that Anders and Justice have accomplished their plan and can start a new life apart from their cause now?

It feels like he has already made his decision, and Maker, he's gone completely crazy and he knows it.

„You look serious, brother,“ Carver interrupts his thoughts. „It seems unlike you. Is it this here, the war? Or is it what happend to mother?“

„I'm not serious, little brother, you're seeing things.“

„Of course I do. Pff. It's Kirkwall, isn't it, Esteban? You care for the city as your home, and it hurts you to watch it tear itself apart.“

Hawke hesitates, looks around for enemies. „I guess,“ he admits then, quietly. „Don't tell anyone.“

Carver shakes his head and smiles.

 

 

 

Interlude

 

Hawke doesn't really know what to feel yet, which is slowly becoming a problem, because he's supposed to say goodbye to quite a few of his friends, who are like family to him, and he has no idea how to react to that.

„Hey, we're going to see each other soon“, he says. „Next time some hilarious disaster happens, we're probably going to be in the middle of it again.“

„Thanks, but I decline“, Aveline smiles. „I'll be content with rebuilding and hoping Sebastian's army doesn't destroy everything all over again.“

„I wish I could go back with you“, Hawke says; it comes out of its own volition, giving him no time to stop himself. Well, if that's how it's going to be. It's not like there's any one of them who has never heard him get soppy. „Kirkwall was my home“, he admits. „We had good times there, the best of times. I'm going to miss it.“

„You could go back“, Anders chimes in. „I'm sure they would like having their Champion back. You're not to blame for any of it, after all. The circumstances forced you to take sides.“

„The circumstances meaning you, you terrorist bastard“, Isabela says amiably. At least Anders has the decency to blush.

„Nah“, Hawke says, „the Kirkwall times are over. I'm off to new adventures. Isabela and I made that deal months ago when she hired me for her crew. Speaking of hiring, Isabela, I haven't heard yet what you're planning to pay me. Champion's aren't cheap, you know. Are you certain you can afford me?“

„I've had you for free before, dear.“

„That was pleasure, which you aren't supposed to be mixing with work.“

„So... if I hire you as a whore...“

„Ahem“, Anders says eloquently.

„I'm going to miss you a lot“, Merrill says. „It's so much fun listening to you, it almost makes me forget all the horrible things that have happened.“

„Merrill, you can't say that, it breaks the charm!“

„Oh, does it? I'm sorry.“

„Hawke, aren't you forgetting something?“

„Me? Never! When did I ever forget anything, Varric?“

„No no no, you're not getting out of this so easily. I remember you saying, back in Kirkwall, when we were surrounded by Templars and abominations: 'We will get out of here, and then I'll buy.' Where's our promised booze, oh Champion of all our hearts?“

„Not mine.“

„Beside the point, Fenris.“

„Alright.“ Hawke shrugs. „Let's find the best sodding pub in this boring town and feast.“

 

 

 

 

VI.

After the fight at the Gallows, Hawke stops talking to Anders, again. It's much like that time after Hawke helped Anders distract the grand cleric – it's only been weeks, but it feels like ages – when Hawke would only say the most necessary things to Anders, in brisk short sentences. It wasn't to punish him, because that's not how Hawke does things, but for some other reason it has taken Anders some time to figure out.

Now he believes it must have been simple disappointment, robbing Hawke of of both his breath and his ideas what to say. Hawke has always been something of a paragon of hope: Even at the most desperate times he tends to cling to the belief that everything will end well for them eventually. You can see it in his eyes, a glint of defiance: You will not take my good humor from me, no matter how hard you try, is what it says. Hawke never gives up – and still, during those minutes inside the clinic, after procuring the Drakestone, when Anders admitted to lying about being able to separate Justice and himself, he could see that light going out in Hawke's blue gaze that had always been there before.

After that, apart from a short fight ending with Hawke storming out (or rather leaving quietly, looking beaten), it was silence and forlorn looks until that day at the Gallows.

 

Anders didn't do much to get Hawke to speak to him then. He deserved this, after all. If it felt like the end of everything good he'd ever had, well, that was because it had to be exactly that; it was the logical progression of events. He had been ready to sacrifice everything, even Hawke's love, for the freedom of mages, and now, consequentially, all he had agreed to give was taken from him. He had tasks ahead, anyway, and he concentrated on them as fiercely as he was capable of, trying to get Hawke off his mind.

 

Now, Hawke's silence feels different. Perhaps it's because this time it's Anders who's taken up hope again. He'd been so sure that he wouldn't survive his attack on the Chantry, that someone would justly claim his life in exchange for the lives he'd taken. And then along came Hawke, the bloody Champion of Kirkwall, stepping in front of Anders and between him and Sebastian's righteous fury and said: „Whoever wants him has to go through me.“

Anders remembers a surge of _something_ going through his body then, like a dragon had woken up inside him and roared so loudly it could dissolve the rest of this city in flames as well.

Most of the fighting on their way to the gallows felt like flashes of movement, intuitive decisions, a walk through the Fade to a predetermined destination.

„I never expected you to spare my life,“ he said dumbly when Hawke stood beside him before what could easily be their last fight. Hawke looked angry at that, just as he always looked whenever Anders would say something that could be read as questioning his loyalty towards him, something Anders could never quite understand. It felt achingly familar, and Anders caught himself wishing he could _keep this_ , wishing so hard it almost choked him. But he had to be honest this time; he had to give Hawke a chance at goodbye.

What he said then was what Hawke may have heard as an ultimatum; it really was a last warning, and a last attempt at reaching out. I am what I am, is what Anders really said, will you stay with me despite everything, please? Please?

And Hawke, glorious and a bit crazy looking in his bloodstained armor, looked him in the eye with a rather resigned look and said: Yes.

 

It's hard to have the silence back after that, much harder than before. Anders just strolls around on deck a lot, staring out at the sea and up into the sky, noticing how the others avoid him and in response trying to leave them alone as much as possible. He doesn't think much about anything, just wonders if this is what being alive feels like now, unable to decide whether the pain of it outdoes the joy or the other way around. Justice seems quiet, but perhaps he's just become one with Anders so completely that he can finally no longer tell when he's talking to him. Time is moving slowly when there's no immediate goal in front of you; Anders doesn't think he likes it.

 

\---------------------------

 

Everything is so appallingly desperate.

Hawke doesn't remember how he came to hope a second time after all this, when the first time already ripped him apart so thoroughly. How did he get the idea that Anders would be free after Kirkwall, that somehow blowing up the Chantry would be the completion of his quest and Justice would leave him be after that, as a thank you for martyrdom? Anders will never be free, because that's just who he is, and everything else is just Hawke deluding himself.

They are far away from the war now, sailing freely across the endless ocean, and Hawke thinks that should be enough freedom for anyone. Why does Anders care so much about future generations when he doesn't even really care about now? Does it matter nothing to him that Hawke is anything but free now, tied to Anders' whims, his stupid cause?

 

Taking Anders with them was a disastrous decision. There's no fun to be had with him; his mood doesn't get any better after Kirkwall, although he could be dead by now if Hawke had been less forgiving and lying in your grave is a lot more unpleasant than being amazing pirates.

Hawke just doesn't understand the concept of self sacrifice, no matter how hard he tries, or maybe, to be truthful, he doesn't try all that hard because _that idea just doesn't make any sense_. Even if you achieve something by suffering a long time and dying painfully for some cause, you don't get to savor your victory, and that makes the whole effort pretty useless in Hawke's eyes. He likes instant reward. Apparently he's just not a very patient person.

 

\----------

 

Hawke says: „I have a proposition for you.“

Its only days later, probably too early to come up with a solution that will very possibly seem useless tomorrow, but Hawke has never liked to suffer longer than absolutely necessary, and when he finds some way out of his misery that has a small chance of working, he's sure as hell going to try it.

Anders is sitting on deck, leaning against the railing, eyes closed against the warm sun. He looks content, a rare sight that makes Hawke's heart leap. But when he hears Hawke's question he looks up, familiar frown back on his face. „Oh?“

Hawke drops down on the planks beside him. The sun's in his eyes, too, now, and he has to shield them with his hand. „Let's compromise.“

„On what? I'm sorry, love, but I have no idea what you're talking about.“

„You're staying eerily calm, even though I've used the evil c-word.“

„Well... I want to hear what you have to say before I judge it.“

Hawke takes a deep breath. He wants to get this all out in one shot, no hesitation.

„I will take up your cause and help you with your fight, but I need two things from you in exchange.“

„It's your cause too, Hawke. Why would I bargain with you over whether you choose to fight for your own right to freedom?“

„Because this is the last chance I see to salvage what's left of our relationship. I don't know if you care about that at all, but if you do you might want to at least consider my proposal.“

Perhaps it's just his imagination, but Hawke thinks that Anders has gone pale despite the warm light on his face. „Of course I care about that. I... didn't know that's where we are, at the last chance. When we talked at the Gallows you sounded like you still wanted to be with me, despite....“  
„You set me an ultimatum there. You told me I had to fight your fight if I wanted to be with you. I still don't like to be blackmailed, Anders, even if I should be used to it by now.“

„That's not what I meant! I wanted to make sure you're making the right decision. I can't bear to see you unhappy on my account!“

„Then listen to me now, will you?“

Anders nods and waits without saying another word. Again Hawke believes he sees dread in Anders' eyes, but then it could just be his own dread reflected.

„These are my terms: One, you don't rush off anymore with one of your halfassed plans, ever. You talk to me first, and we make a real plan together, a sensible plan that actually works, maybe even without killing too many people. If we do this together, then we do this together. I don't clean up after you, I'm your partner, and that's how you'll treat me.“

„I can do that.“

„Think about it before you agree. I will hold you to your promise.“

„What's the second condition?“

„That's the tricky one. See, I have this strange interest that I invest a lot of energy in. It's called being happy. Some people also call it enjoying life. I know you don't have a lot to do with that, but if I help you with your cause, I want you to join mine as well. I'm setting you the task to be happy half of the time. The other half we can spend fighting, plotting and generally angsting around, but I want you to at least give happiness a try. Because I'm sorry, but I can't go on without that. I can't go on worrying all the time, and I can't go on looking at you as much as I would want to, only to see you in pain. Do you think you can do that? It might actually be the more important one of my two conditions.“

Anders opens his mouth, then closes it again, frowning. He's thinking about this, and apparently he realizes how difficult it might be for him to stick to this term.

„To be honest, Hawke, I don't know if I can do that. I don't have much practice with it, not since Justice and I became one. Most of the time I spent with you I _was_ happy, but it always became quickly overshadowed by what I knew I had to do. What if it turns out like that again? What if I can't look away from the pain of others long enough to 'enjoy life'?“

„It will kill you, eventually“, Hawke says bluntly. „And I'm not going to sit around watching you kill yourself. That's too much to take for me. I draw the line here. You have to try. I'll help you. Isabela will help, maybe even Fenris if he thinks it calms you. Tell Justice to shut up for a bit and let you have some drinks. Remember, your cause might lose a part of you that's not as dedicated to it anymore, but you'll gain a partner, and I think that makes up for it. You know how much I can contribute if I put my mind to it.“

„I love you,“ Anders says seriously. „I still can't believe you would stand by me, after all the questionable things I've done.“

„I've had more sensible moments, yes.“

„I'll heed your warning – I will think about your proposal. Thank you for making it.“

„I couldn't just let you go without doing all I can to keep you by my side. You have to take my terms seriously if you agree, though. I won't judge you for finding it difficult, not even for failing, but I will judge you if you don't even try.“

„Will you stay here with me for a while? Just like this, sitting beside me in the sun, pretending that everything is all right until proven otherwise?“

„A perfect start,“ Hawke says, and he starts to hope again, slowly, cautiously, barely dropping his guard.

An hour later, Anders has fallen asleep against Hawke's shoulder and snores lightly, looking relaxed and for all the world content with where he his. Hawke carefully winds his arm around Anders' back, pulling him close. His hair smells like the sea now, all traces of Darktown washed away in only a week on the ship. Hawke hides his nose inside it, breathing in deeply, trying to collect Anders' scent like a treasure he can always keep even if he loses everything else.

 

\-----

 

„Der Traum ist aus

der Traum ist aus.

Aber ich werde alles geben,

dass er Wirklichkeit wird.“

 

(The dream's over/ but I will give everything/ to make it come true.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
